As we move into February, I cannot help but lean into the sterotypical theme of love. I am a sucker for a good holiday. We will spend the next few weeks exploring how to nurture and enhance the quality of your relationships, be they platonic or romantic. Today, we will explore the value of nurturing friendship and build what John and Julie Gottman with The Gottman Institute call Love Maps. A love map is one’s understanding of their partner's inner world. It is, in essence, the roots of friendship. What we know is a marriage that is without friendship will quickly deteriorate into a marriage fraught with anger or apathy. Let’s look at four ways you can strengthen your Love Maps with your partner starting today.
Have fun. It’s a simple concept. Just enjoy each other’s company. But, how often do you simply have fun with your partner? What do you both enjoy doing together? When was the last time you shared a moment that brought you both pleasure and was not rushed by the constraints of the day to day. This can be playing a game, find a show you both love and can talk about, try something new together, or go on a walk. When we introduce children and work into our marriage, these small things can have a massive impact on how we view and treat our partners. Find one thing you can do this week with your partner that will bring a smile to you both. Remember, set the phone down and be present in the fun. Moments of shared joy increase likeability.
Check in daily. This does not require a lengthy hour-long conversation on every small detail of the day, but you can get good insight into someone’s day to day with a few simple questions. You can always add more or change them up, but remember to shoot for open ended questions. Yes or no questions do not always invite more detail.
What went well today?
What struggles did you experience today?
What do you have coming up in the next week?
How can I support you?
Ask the right questions. Who are your friends? Your enemies? What are your big worries and stressors? What are your hopes and dreams? What are you looking forward to? These questions all create an understanding of who your partner is now and today. Remember, it’s always nice to check in every once in a while and reask. Our relationships, our goals, and our expectations all shift as we move through the world. Know what those shifts are for your partner.
Dig deeper. When you feel you are in a space where you both have emotional felt-safety, ask questions that have more depth. What’s your most favorite memory of childhood? Your least? What or who helped you through your hardest times? What lessons did you take from these experiences? What are you most proud of?
In conclusion, the best way to strengthen your relationship’s bond is to know who you are in a relationship with. Know their day to day. Know and honor their story. Listen, without judgment or thinking what you will say next. Be present to the conversation and you may find, there’s a lot about the person sitting across from you you did not know..
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