Do you ever feel guilty by how little time you have with your kids? Whether you have one or six, there never seems to be enough time in the day to spend time with them without distraction, a task, or agenda. Many people acknowledge the lack of connection with their children, but often feel too scared to bring it up or too taxed to make the effort. What if I told you all it took was 15 minutes? It does not sound like a whole lot, but 15 minutes of uninterrupted, fully focused time with your child every day can help build up a relationship rooted in connection.
What do I mean by uninterrupted? I mean, put the phone down! Both of you. You and your child. SET. IT. DOWN. Ignore it. Put it on Do Not Disturb for 15 minutes. Leave it in your bedroom and walk away. It does not matter how you do it. What matters is the best way to connect with your child is without the distraction of pings and dings of a new notification. Give each other your undivided attention. Give them your eye contact. Give them your ears.
Focus on simple things at first. Play games. Find an easy and quick board game and play. Or, ask your child what they would like to do for 15 minutes. Can’t think of anything? Make a jar with ideas you both come up with that can be fun. Some ideas include go for a walk, play with your animals, make a snack together, go for a quick drive, or play a sport. You can even work it into your bedtime routine. Even teenagers can get into a fun tuck-in. Or, make it a routine to simply spend those last 15 minutes of each child’s day offering a back rub or hand massage. Read a book out loud to them. Many people believe that teenagers think this stuff is too childish, but we miss how much teenagers crave these very things. Your teenager still wants to connect with and I think you'd be surprised what "childish" things they'd be excited to do as long as its together.
Use this playful or relaxing time with one another to get to know your kid. Do you know some of the little things your child loves? They often grow up so fast and right in front of us. Every year they grow older, new interests and likes arise. What music do they like? Who is their favorite band? What is their favorite color? Do they have a crush? Who is their best friend? What has been a struggle for them this week? What has been a victory? These seemingly benign questions can spark some beautiful conversations. And, creating the space and rhythm of talking about the little things will give them permission and space to talk about the big, hard things.
As the 15 minute check-ins feel more authentic and safer, start asking deeper questions. Who do you want to be when you grow up? Note the “who” there. As parents, we often get focused on ensuring our children have future goals and know exactly where they will land in ten years. But, you and I both know, these plans change. So, who does your child want to be? Do they want to be a leader? Do they want to be courageous? Kind? Giving? Curious? What character traits do they want to possess as an adult? Use these answers to praise your child when you see them acting out these traits they seek to be. Maybe use this time to share who you want to be? Who you used to be? And, what happened in life to move you from who you were to who you are now? Keep these answers safe and age appropriate of course; however, sometimes kids need to see you are human too. They need to see you have traveled some of the similar trails they are currently walking. Impart wisdom.
Ask your child what traits they admire in their friends? How do their friends encourage them to be who they want to be? How do you encourage them to be who they want to be? What are their long term goals?
The list of questions goes on and on. Almost anyone wants to talk about themselves, your child included. They are often too scared to say anything or assume you are too busy to care. Give it a shot for the next two weeks. Offer your child just 15 minutes every day. Give them your full awareness and let them be seen. The connection you once had will begin to grow again.
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