Let’s face it, when you have been with your partner for several years, you often build up a lot of things that truly drive you nuts. Sometimes, when left unchecked, these minor annoyances build and build until they breed resentment and contempt. So, how do we avoid something that often feels so natural. It’s often as easy as changing your perspective.
When we find ourselves in a rut with our partner, it is rather common to find ourselves on loop. We point out all the things our partners have done to absolutely ruin our day, week…lives. We let these negative thoughts start to take over and we forget the why behind our original adoration and fondness. John and Julie Gottman at The Gottman Institute refer to this as Shared Fondness and Admiration. Here’s how it works:
Over the course of the next few days, notice when you have a negative thought about your partner and/or relationship. Pause. Take a breath. Now, I want you to shift your thought to three things you enjoy about your partner. Can’t think of any? Bring up a list of positive adjectives online and scan through them. With an open heart and mind, highlight the ones that stand out to you about your partner and relationship. Take a moment and remember the first time you realized you felt butterflies. What attracted you to your partner then? What about them makes you smile?
Now, let’s add to the thought stopping and attention shifting, to sharing those thoughts. Last week we spoke about daily check-ins to see how your partner is doing. Add to this conversation something you admire about them. It can range from what you find physically attractive, their character, their positive traits, etc. The point is, you want them to hear what drives your attraction to them. Make it a norm to verbally reflect to your partner what makes your heart smile when they are on your mind.
Next time you are with your friends and the topic of romantic partners comes up, share something your spouse has done well to you. We often get caught up in talking negatively about our partners when in the company of friends. Though a good vent session can feel good, when it is a topic that tends to be the focus of the conversation, it can be toxic to your relational health with your partner. Vent, but also share the things that your value about your partner and balance the perspective.
This is a daily ritual that you will want to reflect on. Joy is found in having gratitude for what is here in the present. Make it a part of your morning routine to note not only what you are thankful for in your daily life, but list out what you like/love/appreciate about your partner. Write it down and read it to yourself. When we shift our thinking to seeing the positive, we will shift our actions in our day to day moments with our spouse. Happy marriages are built on the collection of small moments that give us joy and warmth. It takes an active effort at first, but once you make your why a part of your daily routine, you will find connection to your partner much more natural.
Resources:
The Gottman Institute
www.gottman.com
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