Let’s talk parent guilt. It’s hard being a parent. It is full of so much goodness and fun, but it is also full of child development. Which, let’s face it, is a hard topic no one is really covering in school. Each stage of development comes with its behaviors that will inevitably trigger your own stuff. Depending on the parenting you did (or did not) receive, this “stuff” comes out when we scream, ignore, get loud, or shut down. It's a pretty universal feeling when we notice our not so perfect responses lead to some uncomfortable feelings of failure. We often sit in a whole lot of guilt and/or shame when we have a negative interaction with a kiddo or feel we have hurt them in some way out of irritation. In fact, if you have never experienced this feeling of guilt, there is another list of concerns we can talk about in another blog.
But, is a childhood with a “perfect” parent actually good for us? Short answer, no. Perfection does not exist. I would even argue there is a lot more beauty that arises from our imperfections when we see them, honor them, and then use those imperfections to grow and help others.
So, how can admitting a mistake to your child change the way they adult later in life? Have you ever known someone who gets so upset with others over mistakes? Or, shuffles off accountability onto someone else every time? What about someone who blames themselves for everything that goes wrong in a relationship? Chances are, you know (or even are) someone who fits these characteristics. To help navigate our children into healthier relationships as adults, we need to show our children what it is like to recover from a fracture in a relationship. When children do not see their parents struggle or admit wrong, they become adults who struggle to manage failure or mistakes. They may even avoid risk for fear of failure. Or, they spiral into an unhealthy space because the feelings that flood them after a mistake are too overwhelming to manage.
When a child sees their parents own up to their own mistakes in the relationship, it teaches your child to have more compassion for others and for themselves when they fall short. They can observe that perfectionism is not obtainable, nor a goal one should strive for. Perfectionism leads to low self-worth, burn out, and damage to interpersonal relationships. Seeing your role model fall short is also an opportunity to see how a trusted adult pushes on after a failure.
The most wonderful part of messing up is in the repair. We as the adults are responsible for initiating repair. So, when you botch an argument with your child or lose your temper, acknowledge it. Own it. Tell your child you see what you did in the conflict was not how you should have handled it. Model for them how to repair a relationship so they know that relationships are a two way street. Model for them how to accept accountability for one’s part in a conflict gone wrong. Model for them how to ask, give, and receive forgiveness.
Remind them in the repair that they do not shoulder the responsibility for anyone’s behavior, including a parent’s. Repair is a prime opportunity to even shine light on your triggers and even negotiate a new way to manage a certain behavior. Conversations in repair can be a great opportunity to hit the redo button and try the conversation over. Repair has the ability to help each person in the discussion feel heard, even if they still don’t agree. We have to show our children how to admit wrong, how to fix, and how to move on if we ever want them to stand a chance in a healthy long term relationship. Be that with a friend, a spouse, or even with themselves.
So, love on your babies today. Try your best to give them the calm and curious parent, but remember, when you fall short of calm and curious, make it right. Change the narrative and change the child. Stop trying to be perfect and remember, be good enough.
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